


Debris

by Metallic_Sweet



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Classical Music, Family Dynamics, Flowers, Gen, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Moral Ambiguity, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Post-Canon Speculation, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 15:02:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3696743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metallic_Sweet/pseuds/Metallic_Sweet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the end of the war, Kanae and Shuu go home to Munich.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Debris

All the stars' twinkles say  
All through the night  
"This is the way to the realm of glory,"  
All through the night.

 

"Kanae."

Kanae looks up at him. His cheeks are splotchy. Tears and mucus coat his face, mixing with the blood and ash.

They aren't children.

"It's time to go."

 

When Shuu was small, Mother grew chrysanthemums in the garden. Shuu remembers this very clearly, even though Mother died when he was four. She would let him sit next to her as she weeded the flower beds or cut the most beautiful of the blossoms for display. The petals of the fresh flowers were many and tiny and soft. There is still a small tin of the last flowers she tended, dried for tea that none of the family can drink.

It's the only thing from that stale house that Shuu takes with him to Munich. The war is over. No one won. The Commission of Counter Ghoul has been dissolved. The laws on ghouls have been repealed. There is a long process of revision, restitution, and recovery ahead. The world is in upheaval.

It's the worst, of course, in Japan. The Sasaki Haise/Kaneki Ken case, as the heart of the causes for the brief but bloody civil war has been named, had the most physical consequences in and around Tokyo. It's volatile, even in formerly calm Wards. Kanae puts his name forward for rehousing in Germany. It will last for the duration of their usefulness to the International Criminal Court at the Hague. Kanae presents his original birth record for the first time since he was nine, the paper rippled but legible. They're given leave and permanent resident visas. They're still flagged as ghouls. They sit for almost twenty-four hours in a locked room in customs and immigration in Munich National Airport until someone can come from the Hague to identify them. They're given a two story townhouse. It sounds generous. It's not.

"I," Kanae grits out, crushing the handle of his suitcase when they're in the taxi, "was _born_ in that house."

The house is old in a city that has been heavily rebuilt since the Second World War. It is in a quiet, respectable neighbourhood and a ten minute walk from the Prinzregententheater. It's been empty since Washuu Matsuri killed Kanae's family at the Roswald annual Christmas party. The house was cleaned up and fitted for resale, but no one would buy it. Local legend says it's haunted.

Shuu traces a circle on the bannister. It leaves a track in the dust. They'll have to hire a cleaning company that will serve ghouls. 

"Scary."

Kanae glances back at Shuu. He's standing in the doorway to the parlour. His gaze is fragmented and faraway. He smiles, more than a little watery.

"Don't worry, Shuu-sama," he says, even though he knows Shuu only said it to give Kanae something to focus on. "It's just my family."

Dust rises as he steps forward. He pulls off one of the heavy, sheets covering a piano that likely needs new strings. It makes a plume of dust rise. It fills the otherwise bare parlour, a cloudy emptiness.

 

Shuu begins playing the piano, harpsichord, and fortepiano for the Munich Symphony Orchestra a fortnight after they finish moving. It's not a money issue. He doesn't have to work. After all, he is the Tsukiyama heir and, until Grandfather passes or goes senile, Shuu can essentially do what he wants with his life. What's more, the non-CCG and non-Aogiri Tree-affiliated individuals involved with the Sasaki Haise/Kaneki Ken case have lifetime stipends that will be adjusted for inflation. That case and all of its fallout will continue to cause upheaval to the international fabric of ghoul law and societal perception of ghouls for decades to come. 

Playing for the orchestra is a good distraction. Shuu knows that it's a bit rude of him to think of it like this. It is a well-known and well-respected orchestra, and it attracts artists from all over the world. He auditioned and got the position for historical pianist fair and square, so it is what it is, no matter Shuu's private feelings. Kanae walks him to the Prinzregententheater or drives him to the Herkulessaal depending on what is being rehearsed. He picks Shuu up when they're done and has promised to come watch the shows. It gives them both a sense of normalcy. It gets them out of the house for reasons not related to the Sasaki Haise/Kaneki Ken case.

Even so, Shuu sticks out like a sore thumb. Shuu is a ghoul. He told the orchestra director and pianomaster at his audition. He stood up in front of the orchestra and told everyone on the first day. It's to prevent confusion if Shuu ends up in the news, since he's involved with the Sasaki Haise/Kaneki Ken case. Once those trials start going to court, it's highly likely his involvement will be revealed. Standing in front of all those humans, declaring himself for what he is: it's one of the hardest things he's ever done. Once, that he is a ghoul was his greatest secret. The deception, the careful treading of the line: Shuu does not remember a time where that was not integral. There are things even he, with all of he has due to his family and position, could not have. Cannot have.

It surprises him, more than he cares to admit, that he wasn't simply reject at the audition. It surprises him even more that the only prejudice he's noticed is that his co-workers tend to stand a little further away from him. Shuu appreciates their efforts. He tries his best to be polite and friendly, although he is very aware that he succeeds at the former much better than the latter. He makes it clear he doesn't want to jockey for anyone else's positions. It's clear, too, that he's more than a little strange. He's still suspicious of humans, and he has long lost the buffer of the Gourmet. His German is good, but his Bavarian isn't stellar. He doesn't follow local sports or understand television comedy. He smiles politely and converses, but he uses the music and work as a buffer. He buries himself in it. It shows.

"Where did you go to school?"

Shuu looks up. He blinks a couple times. He had been annotating his copy of the Beethoven score. The conductor is looking down at him. Shuu reaches up and takes his pen out of his mouth.

"For music?"

The conductor nods. If this had been four years ago, Shuu would have smiled. The Gourmet always knew what to do to deflect personal inquiry. But that identity is gone. People ask personal questions, and ghouls are tentatively now considered people for the first time in over a century. The Gourmet's time has passed. It's just Shuu.

He looks down. The black and white keys of the fortepiano are recently dusted. They shine. They cannot speak for him.

"I wasn't allowed to."

Shuu is a ghoul. He had to be practical. In truth, he would have loved to go to a conservatory, would have loved to bury himself in a world of sound and beauty. Once, in even his parents' time, it would have been possible. But by the time that Shuu was born, it was too dangerous. Music is passion, and passion, like any strong emotion, is dangerous for a ghoul. He had to learn to mimic humans, learn to toe the line, learn to hunt in an increasingly darkening atmosphere.

The conductor nods, her lips set into a fine line. She doesn't ask again.

 

Darkness is another light  
That exposes true beauty  
The Heavenly family in peace  
All through the night.

 

The hardest part about moving to Munich is that Kanae knows the city. He knows the streets, the parks, the museums, theatres, government buildings. He, like Shuu with Tokyo and Kyoto, had to memorise all the secret places for ghouls to hide and to travel unseen. Like Shuu, he's had to use the secret routes. But, unlike Shuu, he didn't elect to. The only time Kanae has used the underground ghoul tunnels was when he was running from Matsuri and the Ghulpolizei. 

"My father," Kanae says, two months and a day after they move into the house he was born in; "He used his kagune to secure himself over the opening."

It's a sealed manhole two blocks from the house. Shuu had managed to entice Kanae out for an evening walk. It's very cold. Shuu reaches out and adjusts Kanae's scarf to cover the back of his neck. Kanae sniffs, blinking hard. He motions down, his fingers slightly splayed. An indication. Reaching.

"Mother stayed at the top of the ladder. They told me to run. Father ate her to keep regenerating for as long as possible. I -" and Kanae swallows, reaching up with his gloved hand to scrub at his eyes, nose. "He must have eaten himself, too, to buy as much time as he did."

They keep walking. Kanae sticks close to Shuu's side when they're out. It's not because Shuu will get lost if they aren't going to a theatre. Rather, it's because Kanae is afraid of this city. It was once his home. It ate his family.

"Kanae."

He looks up. His hair is starting to turn brown at the roots. His natural hair colour. He's usually so diligent about the dye upkeep. They round a corner into a narrow street full of high end restaurants and bars. It smells.

"Where are we going?"

Kanae blinks. He looks around, taking in all the people, the bright lights. They're holding hands, a mannerism that has a different meaning here than back home. Shuu can feel the steady increase of Kanae's grip. It shifts from a secure hold to a death grip. It would break a human's hand. It just makes Shuu's bones creak.

Shuu breathes in. 

"Why don't we get coffee?"

 

They settle in. Shuu goes to rehearsal for the orchestra and is put onto some of the matinée performances for the spring. They follow the provisional laws about ghoul feeding, even though the meat is subpar and it's hellish to do the pick up. With the constant presence of protesters, most ghouls including Shuu and Kanae still use the underground routes to travel, and most of the actual transactions are still done underground. Shuu considers briefly trying to hunt, but the situation is too precarious. It's not worth it, especially since neither he nor Kanae eat very much these days. They drink a lot of coffee.

They spend a lot of time together. At home, the only time they're apart is when they're using the washroom. They sleep in the same bed in the master bedroom because Kanae has nightmares and Shuu gets nervous if Kanae begins screaming. They stay together when they're called for witness testimony by the international commission in the Hague dealing with the CCG and the fallout of its dissolution. Shuu is quite sure it's almost a joke that they come as a package deal. This will only diverge when public criminal trial open. Kanae has agreed to testify on Washuu Matsuri's impending criminal trial. Shuu has consented to providing recorded testimony concerning Kaneki Ken and Aogiri Tree, but he has declined to publicly testify. He's citing health issues.

There is nothing physically preventing him. He's thinner than he should be and his RC count is regularly low. It's partially from two years of neglecting himself and now also due to stress. Those two things technically aren't preventing him from publicly testifying. 

Mentally, though, Shuu is quite aware he's anything but healthy. While it's now Shuu fighting an unspoken battle to stop Kanae from becoming a shut-in, Shuu himself was a shut-in for two years. None of the aspects of his life that contributed to that have changed. What has changed is that Matsumae, who helped Kanae take care of him, is dead.

That's what Kanae has the most nightmares about. Kanae's had ten years to have nightmares about his family's death in and around this house. It's the memory of Matsumae blocking the way, her body suspended with the kagune wall she was so famous for. She kept herself there so that Shuu and Kanae could temporarily escape with Sasaki Haise and Amon Koutarou. Now that Shuu knows how Kanae's parents died, he wonders if that's part of the reason why Kanae has fixated so much on the manner of Matsumae's death. When Kanae sleeps, which is rarer now than Shuu, it replays on loop until he wakes.

"Normally," one of the lead prosecutors said at the most recent meeting in the Hague, "we would ask if you be willing to submit for psychological evaluation."

Shuu smiled. Kanae didn't move, his hands fisted on his lap and gaze unfocused. Shuu consciously did not reach out to him.

"Very little is known about the ghoul psyche," Shuu said instead; he spread his hands, a dramatic motion that used to come so naturally to him. "After all, up until a year ago, we were less than ants. If it will help the prosecution, we will submit for evaluation. I do not believe, however, that it will help much when most do not view us as having mental capacities for such human notions as mercy or sympathy."

"That," the prosecutor said, pointing directly at Shuu across the table, "is the most I've ever heard you say voluntarily."

Shuu laughed. It made Kanae look at him, a little wide-eyed because neither of them laugh these days. The mask of the Gourmet is broken, but there are still fragments that Shuu can reach for and prick himself upon. 

"Everything I do is voluntary," Shuu confessed, bleeding out from the inside. "We are, as ever, at your service."

 

As the worst of winter fades, Kanae takes up gardening. 

It gets him outside. Shuu thinks that's good for him. They walk to the likely overpriced nursery and botany store six blocks away for fertilizer and spring planters. Kanae makes Shuu read all of the items he's written down and can't find after a brief perusal of the aisles to a middle-aged human woman. Shuu has to try his best with words that he knows much better in Japanese or even French. Her name tag indicates she's called Andy. She smiles at them, expression clearly curious even though she's polite enough to not ask what their relationship is.

In response to a request to order new ground soil, she asks, "How big is your garden?"

Shuu glances back at Kanae, who is pretty much hiding behind Shuu like a small child. Kanae keeps his eyes on the ground and doesn't answer. Shuu considers for a moment before he has to admit to himself he really doesn't know. Shuu usually sits in the window and watches Kanae in the backyard. He turns back to Andy. He knows he probably looks a little bit peeved.

"I don't know," he says, which is the one non-music-related phrase he can say completely flawlessly. "Five kilos?"

Kanae taps his back. It makes Shuu stiffen a little. He glances back around. Kanae is still looking at the ground and using Shuu as a shield, but Shuu can see his jaw working.

"And mulch."

Shuu stares. He looks back to Andy, who is nodding. Shuu doesn't know what mulch is exactly, but he nods, too. It makes Andy give them a soft look. Shuu wonders, somewhat hysterically, if she would still look at them like that if she knew that they're ghouls. He never used to have thoughts like that.

The world is changing. Shuu doesn't know if he wants it to, but it's not like he has a choice.

 

O, how cheerful smiles the star,  
All through the night  
To light its earthly sister  
All through the night.

 

It's March and six months since moving to Munich that they get their first visitor that isn't from the Hague or from the recently named Ghoul Restitution Commission. Visitor isn't exactly the right word, but Shuu is hard pressed to actually figure out the proper terminology for coming back from the Herkulessaal to find Mutsuki Tooru sitting on the front steps of their house with a duffle bag. Mutsuki and his luggage are soaked, even though it stopped raining at least an hour ago. He must have been waiting outside for a long time.

Kanae has that particular, wide-eyed expression that usually indicates he's about to start screaming. Shuu steps forward, smiles, and invites their visitor in for coffee.

"Oh," and Shuu doesn't miss how Mutsuki sags, relief written into every bone and muscle. "I would be very grateful. Thank you."

Shuu makes the coffee. Three tablespoons of fresh coffee grounds from that morning's beans. Kanae sits at the table and stares across it at Mutsuki when he joins them, towelled off and redressed. Shuu doesn't attempt to explain Kanae's behaviour because it doesn't really require explanation. Mutsuki sits in some of Kanae's clothes that were conveniently just back from the laundry. It's a light blue shirt and dark grey slacks. They fit him perfectly. That, rather than suspicion, is probably why Kanae is staring so intensely. They don't fit Kanae. Both Shuu and Kanae have lost weight again recently.

Shuu sets down the coffee. "How did you find us?"

Mutsuki wraps his hands around the mug, clearly needing the stabilizing warmth. Shuu pulls out a chair and sits down with his back to the window that faces the garden. He reaches out, taps the knuckles of Kanae's right hand. Kanae breathes in, slowly forces his fingers to release from fists. A faint scent of torn flesh wafts. He's scrapped off skin under his nails.

Mutsuki looks up. He's smelt the blood, too. It's obvious from the mismatched gaze. It makes Shuu's heart clench. No matter what changes, the sight of those eyes -

"Hori-san passed away."

Shuu feels it happening. The tunnelling. The way the light slowly dims. It's what he used to forcefully do as a child, when bad things happened. He would go away from reality into a fantasy world all his own. It used to have stuffed animals and lots of soft blankets and pillows and several pet cats and dogs that he had always wanted. Since what happened on that rooftop when Kaneki was just Kaneki, that fantasy world no longer exists. It's just darkness, numbness, nothing, _nothing_

He knows it isn't fair to leave Kanae like this. Kanae is his responsibility, just as Shuu is Kanae's. Kanae needs Shuu. Shuu is better with other people, ghoul or human. He shouldn't leave Kanae, but Shuu has to, cannot, has to 

_nothing NOTHING nothing nothing hurts nothing_

The darkness, numbness: it is a cocoon. It is an abyss. Shuu is nothing here. He has no body. He is not a ghoul. He is not a human. He is nothing. He's safe.

Shuu isn't entirely certain how long he goes away. Feeling nothing. Hearing nothing. Being nothing. The fantasy world that was once so richly populated is almost empty. Darkness is the only thing that fills it. It is numb. Nothing. Sometimes it's better to just stay this way. He wonders if this is what death is like, but it's dangerous to die as a ghoul. There's such a market for their bodies nowadays. At times like this, that's the only reason he doesn't choose death.

When he comes back, it's dark. He's in bed. There's warmth to his right side, so Kanae must be lying next to him. The room smell musty. It needs to be aired out.

"Mutsuki-kun?"

Kanae breathes in. "In the downstairs guest room."

The downstairs guest room has a door that locks from the outside. Shuu closes his eyes.

"You didn't hurt him."

Kanae snarls, a vestige of who he once was, before he sighs, going limp. "No point."

That's true. It's not surprising to learn that Chie has died. She's been in a coma for almost a year now. She would never have come out of it, not with the extensive brain and spinal damage she suffered from the four story fall. She was in the hospital that Shuu took her to back when they were sixteen and so very innocent to the world. Her family, who never cared, decided they wanted her kept there on life support for as long as possible, even though she was braindead. They never visited. Shuu, who visited whenever Grandfather allowed him, had thought that was cruel. 

Mutsuki had visited her even before Shuu and Kanae left Japan. Never at the same time as Shuu, but he had seen his name on the visitor record. He must have run into Grandfather at some point, or Grandfather must have had a look at the visitor record. The latter is more likely because Grandfather would never have delivered the news. Grandfather is a great believer of having important news delivered by the most relevant person available. It used to always be Matsumae.

Shuu rolls onto his side. Kanae shifts. They curl into each other. Kanae never questions the periods that Shuu mentally disconnects, and Shuu never leaves Kanae alone in his memories or nightmares. There are part of them that only they will ever understand. It's an awful, limiting, terrifying existence.

But at least they aren't alone.

 

Mutsuki ends up staying indefinitely. 

They don't discuss it. In a lot of ways, they don't need to. All of their histories are complicated, and Shuu doesn't imagine that Mutsuki has many options. There are only two Quinx that survived, and Kuki Urie is in jail awaiting trial. Mutsuki had followed Sasaki Haise when he fled the CGG and Aogiri Tree. He therefore falls on the very arbitrary group of those considered to be victims. It's an incredibly arbitrary distinction, considering that Shuu and Kanae are part of that group.

Generally, Mutsuki keeps to himself, holed up in the downstairs guest room. They leave it open during the day, but, after a brief discussion, Kanae still locks at night. It's the only condition set for Mutsuki staying in the house. Since it is technically Kanae's house, it's his rule to make. Mutsuki is free to leave, but, by the end of the first week, it's clear that he has no intention of doing so soon. At first, Shuu wonders if Mutsuki is hiding from something. After another week during which Shuu and Kanae follow their routine of Shuu's work and Kanae's gardening, Shuu concludes that Mutsuki is not in immediate danger. He doesn't have anywhere to go. 

"Oh," Mutsuki sighs when Shuu asks. "Yes."

They're in the kitchen. Mutsuki had been making coffee. Shuu takes the ghoul ration card off the refrigerator. Mutsuki watches the coffee drip into the pot, mismatched eyes tired and wan. Shuu turns over his ration card, looking at the little punch boxes on the back. He hates this piece of paper more than anything else in the world.

"Do you have a residence visa?"

Mutsuki nods. "I can remain here until my role in the trials are over."

Shuu can imagine that Mutsuki's role is rather more intensive than his own. Shuu is more of a witness. Mutsuki may actually be one of the evidence exhibits. Just the thought of that makes Shuu's skin crawl.

"We can feed you for this month, but you'll need to register for next."

Mutsuki nods again, gaze sliding down to the ground. "I can't read or write in German."

Shuu hums, putting the card back under the magnet on the refrigerator. It's turned off and empty, more for show than anything. 

"We'll help you."

He finds Kanae out in the garden, hunched over a clump of overturned earth. He's caught a mouse. He looks up from his grip on it, frowning in a deep manner that will give him premature wrinkles. He heard the conversation in the kitchen. Shuu sits down on the grass even though the ground is cold and damp.

"They barely give us enough to avoid losing our minds," Kanae hisses. "We can't -"

He cuts himself off. His grip tightens on the mouse. The mouse squeals and squirms in his hand. Shuu doesn't care if Kanae kills it, but it's more an issue of disposal. An inspector from the Ghoul Restitution Commission comes by on a regular basis. Ostensibly it's to make sure they're well and safe, which makes Shuu want to laugh. Shuu reaches out. Kanae scowls but hands the mouse over. Shuu takes it, puts it in one of the empty planting pots and put another pot upside down on top of it. He'll decide what to do about it later.

"I'll go hunting tonight."

Kanae stares at him. Shuu stares back. Kanae starts to open his mouth, but Shuu holds up his hand.

"Things will hopefully change and it won't be necessary eventually, but you and I both know we can't keep living like this."

Kanae bites his lip. He looks at the pots that have the mouse, hands folded in his lap. It's a very quiet, very demure mannerism. He spent a lot of time in Shuu's family. Long enough to grow to be more like them than anything here.

"What about the clean up?"

There's an incinerator in the butcher room. It's under the basement through a trapdoor that was concealed well enough that no one discovered it after the Roswald massacre when, ironically, it couldn't be used. Kanae had had a hell of a time getting it open when they first moved in. The incinerator appears to be in working order, but neither of them know how to work it. The space, though, has another trapdoor that is connected to the ghoul tunnel network. Shuu knows if he goes down he'll be able to figure out a way to at least store the bones until he can figure out a better solution. 

Kanae scowls again, looking now at the rose bush he's been trying to tame for the past couple of days. It's one of the few plants he kept from the original, overgrown garden. Shuu doesn't even know if it's young enough to flower, but he's not about to stop Kanae from attempting to salvage it. Kanae has very few interests aside from Shuu and seeing Matsuri pay for the Roswald massacre.

"Do you have a target in mind?"

Shuu breathes out. He looks at the rose bush. It's half-bald, the parts of the plant that had grown against the wall snarled and dead. It will never be conventionally pretty. Perhaps that is why Kanae wants to save it.

"I'll figure," he says, "something out."

 

Killing was never Shuu's forte. It was the hunt, the stalking, the careful planning. He was good at killing, good at fighting, but hunting: that is where he was a genius. It all was based on intelligence and took place in his head. Shuu's truly extraordinary weapon has always been his mind.

"You look troubled."

Shuu blinks. He's been staring into space. The percussionist—Resendes, if Shuu remembers correctly—is looking at him, leaning back on his chair. It's lunch break, which usually means Shuu goes and gets coffee or sits with a book. He tries not to do the latter too often because it reminds people that he's a ghoul, not a human, no matter how good he is at mimicking a reclusive, even shy one.

Shuu tries to smile, but it starts to twitch, so he stops. He looks down at his hands. He needs to file his nails. They know he's not human. He should still at least try to be friendly. Non-threatening. Offer information.

"Kanae and I have a house guest."

Resendes leans forward, unusually interested. Shuu feels himself start to recoil and stops himself. Resendes smiles broadly.

"So the two of you do live together!" he says brightly, Portuguese accent tingeing his German in a completely different way from Shuu's accent. "Are the two of you lovers?"

Shuu realises his mouth is open. He shuts it. He stares at Resendes, who stares back with rapt interest. Shuu looks away. It's a sign of weakness. It could be misconstrued for discomfort or deceit. He doesn't know what to do. He wants desperately to go away, but Kanae isn't here to make sure he comes back. He lets himself look down again at the piano bench.

"No," he says, which isn't a lie, not exactly. "It's complicated."

It makes Resendes' expression fall. "Oh," he says, much softer than before. "I'm sorry."

Shuu shakes his head. He traces a circle on the leather of the bench cushion. It's a habit that he's noticed himself starting to develop. Tracing circles. He doesn't want to inspect the meaning.

He needs to say something. He is not an elite here. He's a musician who happens to specialise in historical instruments of the piano family. He's Resendes colleague. He cannot remain silent whenever he wants to; he cannot speak whenever he wants.

"I see him similar to a little brother," he says, slowly because he has to mentally check over his grammar to make sure the meaning cannot be misconstrued. "He was a -" and it is an outdated term, but he learned German from books, which are inevitably outdated, "ward of my family."

A scooting of a chair. Shuu looks up from his circles to find that Resendes has closed the usual space that everyone gives Shuu. Even though he logically should have registered it from the sound of the chair, it startles Shuu so badly that he jumps.

Resendes isn't smiling. He leans forward even more. Shuu could easily reach out and snap his neck. He doesn't. Resendes smiles, very knowing. In that position, he reminds Shuu of the gargoyles that perch upon the cathedrals in his city. Once, Shuu wanted so badly to travel the world, to get out of Japan and see and hear and taste all the wondrous thing he read in books. Now, Shuu is twenty-seven. The world is a very different place.

"But that's not how he sees you."

Shuu shakes his head. He looks down. Draws slow circles in the leather of the bench. The voices of the rest of the orchestra slowly start to trickle back in. Lunch is over. Resendes waits until the last possible moment before sliding back over to his drums as the conductor comes in.

Despite himself, it makes Shuu feel very much alone.

 

Old age is night when affliction comes  
But to beautify man in his late days  
We'll put our weak light together  
All through the night.

 

Shuu is aware that Kanae has been in love with him since Shuu was nineteen and Kanae was fourteen. He's aware of it because Kanae told him. They were in Kanae's rooms on the Tsukiyama estate, Shuu back from university for Golden Week. Shuu had thought that Kanae wanted him to read with him. Instead, it had been a love confession, the sort that Shuu once got in high school from several girls and, once, from a boy. To those, there was no chance; they were human and his classmates, and Shuu could never be with them even if he'd wanted to. He hadn't felt anything, except faint pity. With Kanae -

"I really do love you! More than anything or even myself," Kanae had said, voice barely kept modulated as to not carry from the room. "I know I'm not worthy, but please consider my feelings!"

The problem was Shuu couldn't. He remembers standing in front of Kanae, mouth open and no words coming out. Back then, it wasn't a normal occurrence for him to be at a loss for words. It made him panic. He didn't think his words through.

"You're like a little brother to me."

It broke Kanae. Not just his heart, as Shuu had thought at the time, but something else. It destroyed something that had been damaged already by the way he lost his family. Kanae was an only child, like Shuu, but, unlike Shuu, he had never desired siblings. From what Shuu gathers, Kanae's parents were relatively loving for upper-class ghouls, maybe even liberal in how they raised him. Kanae, sometimes even now when he's at his most vulnerable, talks about dreams he used to have, ideas about the world that Shuu, even with all of his own escapism, was never fully convinced were possible. 

Kanae still loves Shuu. Not as a brother but with the sort of blindness that comes with romantic love. He's made it abundantly clear in everything but words. He stayed by Shuu's side when Shuu wasn't even Shuu the majority of the time and was ready to die for him when the CCG firebombed the 4th Ward. Only Sasaki/Kaneki's kakuji form stopped that from happening. It didn't stop anyone from screaming.

Screaming.

Shuu opens his eyes. He reaches out immediately for Kanae, but Kanae is sitting up. He's not the one screaming. 

Mutsuki. 

There's a heavy thud.

It's instinct to run down the stairs. 

It's instinct to draw his kagune at the scent of blood. 

Human blood. 

Mitsuki is screaming, louder now. More hysterical. It's instinct to drive his kagune through the door. Splinters fly everywhere. The scent of human blood increases. Mutsuki's kagune are embedding a human male's neck. Shuu stares.

"What -"

The window is open. Mutsuki must have had it open to ventilate the room, which is quite warm. They have the heating on even though the days are starting to get longer because both Shuu and Kanae don't have enough body fat to keep warm on their own. Shuu stares at the body, still suspended. Mutsuki is still screaming.

"Kanae."

A hand against his back, just beneath his kakuhou. Mutsuki's screams start to break apart, becoming high-pitched sobs. The body drips all over the floor. 

Shuu breathes deep. He steps forward. He raises his hand. He opens his mouth. His kagune slices open the torso so brutally the intestines, liver, and stomach splatter out. He licks blood off his knuckles and wrist. It's so warm.

He turns around. Mutsuki's mouth is open in silent terror. Kanae simply watches him. Waiting. Shuu motions for Mutsuki to retract his kagune. He nods to Kanae. 

"We'll eat this."

 

Shuu writes an email to the Hague and copies in the Ghoul Restitution Commission and his grandfather. Kanae extracts the organs that were disturbed by Shuu's gutting and cooks them. They leave the rest of the body in the downstairs guest room for someone to come pick up and identify. Mutsuki, after he recovers from the shock and takes a shower, stares at Kanae and Shuu in the kitchen like they're mad. They probably are.

"What if they ask where the organs are?"

Kanae is in the process of washing the intestines to make sausages. It's a very delicate process, so he doesn't respond. Shuu swallows a mouthful of coffee, motioning of Mutsuki to join him at the table. Mutsuki boggles for a long moment before collapsing into the chair nearest the door.

"I already said we ate them."

Mutsuki's eyes look ready to pop out. "We aren't supposed to eat -"

"Except on ration or self-defence," Shuu says. "This is self-defence. He attacked you. You reacted. I reacted. Some organs were spilt. We were worried that more like him would be around, so we ate the organs because rations have left us with very low RC cell counts and limited strength. Survival instinct. I once ate myself for the same reason. It's self-defence."

"You _ate_ yourself?"

Shuu looks over at Kanae, who stares at him in open horror. Shuu blinks. Had he really not told Kanae about that? Not even when he was at his worst and saying all sorts of things he would have rather die without anyone knowing? Kanae's face screws up. 

Shuu does something very stupid. He opens his mouth.

"I tasted delicious."

For a long moment, the world itself seems to stretch. Kanae stares at him. Mutsuki stares at him. Shuu thinks, inanely, that this is very much like when he was still the Gourmet. Perhaps the Gourmet was never gone. Perhaps Shuu is not so wholly divorced from all that he once was. He's changed, yes, but not so much. He's stuck in between.

Shuu stands up. He walks the three paces it takes to get to the door to the garden. He unlocks it and steps out. He leaves the door open. He steps onto the grass. 

The world begins collapsing.

He lies down.

He shuts his eyes.

 

When Shuu was very young, when Mother was still alive and after, Father used to hang him up from the ceiling of the training room by his ankles whenever he misbehaved. He would hang there for hours. It was there, to escape the despairing loneliness and pounding headache, that he learned how to go away. He found the faster he did it, the faster it got him down because he would stop crying and shaking. After Mother died, he found there were varying degrees to going away, and, by the time Kanae joined the family and Shuu had started high school, he could do it without anyone noticing. One foot in this world, one foot in a safe one all his own.

He has to call in sick to the orchestra even though they have a performance the next evening and there is no replacement for him. He promises that he'll be well for the performance, although he isn't sure he mentally will be. Three people, one from the Hague and two from the Ghoul Restitution Commission, come in the morning for the body. Shuu is barely able to concentrate enough to answer their questions and ends up producing what essentially amounts to word salad after about twenty minutes. It's terribly alarming, and Shuu nearly goes away fully right there. He only manages to keep himself grounded because Kanae can't be left alone. He can't leave Kanae alone.

"They'll believe your health requests now," Kanae mutters lowly after the cleaning crew comes through. "I've never seen a human look so sad over a ghoul."

Shuu laughs, although it rises and falls oddly. "Am I really that bad?"

Kanae smiles, a weak but real one. They're sitting in the garden under an umbrella because somehow it's become more welcoming than anywhere else in the house aside from their bed. Mutsuki has gone back with the people from the Ghoul Restitution Commission to give a more detailed statement. Shuu trusts Mutsuki will lie about the organs and Shuu's role else Mutsuki will be out of a place to live. Mutsuki also ate the sausages and didn't really protest eating the organs. Just the legality of it.

Kanae leans against him. Shuu turns his head, tucks his chin on the crown of Kanae's head. He looks at the rose bush that Kanae has been so carefully trying to save. It's alive but no buds for flowers show. They'll know soon if it's simply too old.

They go back into the house. They sit in the parlour at the piano for hours. Shuu doesn't play, his head not in a state that can comprehend music let alone everything else that is happening. Kanae stays by his side, both for him and for himself. Mutsuki comes back long after dark. He crosses the foyer and into the parlour. For a long moment, he stares at Shuu and Kanae before sitting down against the left front leg of the piano. He pulls his legs up in front of himself, resting his chin on his knees.

"I lied."

Shuu smiles. Kanae laughs, very wet. Mutsuki begins to cry. Shuu wonders if they'll ever be able to change, if they'll ever be more than the debris left behind by Kaneki Ken.

Shuu wraps his arms around Kanae. Kanae puts his arms around Shuu. They fold into each other.

They aren't alone.


End file.
